Friday, June 11, 2010


On Friday, my sister-in-law and my nephew Wilson came and spent the night. I even made them dinner - shrimp and grits. Wil had an audition for All State Band in Perry on Saturday. He plays the oboe and played some for us on Saturday morning, and he sounded really good.

They came bearing a bag of goodies for me, including some sock yarn and a package of #1 double pointed needles. A new challenge for me!I loved having them here since I last saw them the weekend before Clint died. Walker is back a UGA, so I missed him.

Both Lisa and Wil are easy company. Lisa and I were sitting around in the living room knitting on our projects, and Wil reached into his music bag and pulled out some knitting of his own. He’s working on a variety of lace patterns. It felt so right for them to be here, and it made me determined to go to see them soon. Wil is autistic or has Asberger’s Syndrome. He was diagnosed with autism as a toddler, and his mother dug in an refused to let him fall through the cracks and labeled “mentally deficient.” She researached every resource she could find and worked with him ever day with behavior modification techniques, and also had a therapist doing the same thing. This incredible woman who had a husband at the time and another child, is one of my heroines. She gets 100% of the credit that Wil is mainstreamed.  I am so proud that she is in my life.

When they left, I fell back into the fugue-type humor which has haunted me for days. I’m just here, writing and knitting and smoking the occasional cigarette and knowing that something is wrong in a universe that doesn’t include Clint. I didn't cry yesterday after they left, but I am weeping now as I write. Despite trying to keep myself distracted, the tears are flowing and I hurt all over with the pain of my loss. The sad thing is that I don’t want to get over it. Wouldn’t that be some sort of betrayal? I still feel so married to him and sometimes even pretend he’s off traveling and will walk through the kitchen door any time now.

Crazy, crazy.

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