The Black Hole

11/13/09:

Here I am again, standing on the edge of the black hole of depression, holding on with my toes, teetering back and forth. I never know when I will start sinking and shrinking, and it always catches me off guard. It is a feeling of helplessness and hopelessness and fear of falling into the dark place. I get so disappointed, start to wonder if I am working hard enough to beat back this monster.

It’s always a surprise and a disappointment. I work so hard to stay sane. Lately I have been going out to eat with friends and feeling good about it. It’s hard to knit right now, and that scares me. All day, even with my tranzene, I have been anxious, off balance - both physically and mentally.

I went to the knitting shop this afternoon to get some help with knitting the heel of Isabel’s Christmas stocking. I only needed help with reading the pattern, and soon I was knitting. Then I was knitting and crying, wishing I were anywhere else. I stuck it out, but gave up and came home around 4:30.

I should not have been driving a car today, and when I think about it, I shouldn’t have been driving yesterday either. I am too distracted, almost caused a wreck when I got in the wrong lane on Vineville Avenue. Sure, I’m disappointed that I let my license lapse, but that’s not what this is. This is the monster. When I am like this, I start having unrealistic fears of having to go the hospital.

I wonder if I am doing too much too fast. I second guess every decision I make. Should I be going out? My judgment sucks. Last night, I slept flat instead of at a 45º angle, and I woke at 4:00 with screaming backache. What made me think, that after a whole year and many visits to the MD, that I could just ignore what’s right for me? Am I trying to punish myself? If so, what for? My house is disorganized and not as clean as it should be because I just can’t gather myself together enough to get anything done. Thank God for this outlet for my feelings.

If I wake up like this tomorrow, I’m going underground for the weekend. Maybe what I need is lots of sleep. I haven’t slept well lately, and maybe I should start recognizing times of sleeplessness as a prodromal symptom for these crashes. I want so desperately to stay on an even keel. I have to find a way to recognize the monster and fight him off before he can get to me.