Ennui

01/06/10

ennui

noun
a feeling of listlessness and dissatisfaction arising from a lack of occupation or excitement.
ORIGIN mid 18th cent.: French, from Latin mihi in odio est ‘it is hateful to me.’ - Webster’s Unabridged

Say it out loud. There should be diacritical marks to show how to pronounce it, but my keyboard won’t make them. The best I can do is ahn-we with a long e sign. Shit. Anyone reading this knows how to pronounce this word.

Such a beautiful word, a grace note rolling over the tongue, but it’s not suited for its meaning. It’s a soft word that should describe how one feels after very satisfying sex. Instead, according to Webster, it’s another word for boredom and that I-don’t-give-a-damn feeling.

Occasionally over these last weeks, ennui has taken the place of the anger I have nurtured since Clint died. I don’t want to break things, but I don’t know what I DO want to do. There’s a heaviness in my bones, a sluggishness about my gate and I have been happy to stay in the house. I was annoyed yesterday when my son called and asked me to mail him some of his sweaters. It’s even cold in Miami. I didn’t dress to go to the P. O. Instead, I pulled on a pair of velour around-the-house pants and layered another sweater over The Red Sweater that was Clint’s and in which I had slept. I took the dogs, and while we were out, I went to the fire station and stuffed my recyclables into the dumpster.

After we got home I filled my time cleaning in little kitchen and doing some knitting and working on some poems. I think I finally have a real chance of getting a job. The local county hospital has a re-entry program for RNs, and they also have a hospice facility. I spoke with one of the hospice directors yesterday, and she said she needed nurses and would call the administrator of the re-entry program and get her to call me. She was very encouraging, so I’m not so nervous about a job as I was.

I still have on the clothes I wore yesterday. Yes, I slept in them except for my old Uggs. I have an appointment with my shrink today, so I guess I’ll bathe and do something with my hair. Maybe I’ll even go to the grocery store - or not. Maybe I’ll get some other errands done - or not. I have to take this day one minute at a time.