09/29/09 - early evening: I never hesitate to cry and whine when things are hard, and today I want to write about good things. The weather is glorious! It's 6:23 PM and I'm on the deck wearing Poppy's favorite cardigan and feeling as though I'm wrapped in his arms. I did work around my little house - lots of little jobs. It felt good. Derek came and did all the hard and heavy work, and even if the top of my dining table doesn't really show it, I organized some stuff. Tomorrow I attack my closet! I fixed up an old fountain and put it in my bathroom, and that made me real happy. The soothing sound of water is singing to me from two directions. I also did some thinking, honest introspective without bawling my head off. I am at as good a place as I know how to be right now. I'm stuck on a merry-go-round of shock, disbelief and anger, going in circles instead of moving forward. I'm working hard to find how to get out of this toxic cycle. Maybe I expect too much of myself. Maybe I don't expect enough. I believe as I move through this cycle and beyond it, I will have to start another journal about my early childhood and the loss of my daddy. I think Daddy is on this merry-go-round with Clint and me, and I can't do both at once.
Here's something funny, for a change. Background: When we were in NH, Kristy and I bought Nantucket lights for our yards and decks. I put one in the sun in front of the house and another on the deck where I really thought it would get enough sun. These wonderful orbs are crackled glass, and when they are charged with electricity from the sun, you turn them on at night and they glow, changing colors in the most magical and soothing way. When I got home from Monday night supper with my family, I turned them on. The one in the front yard was absolutely beautiful, but the one on the deck just sat and stared blankly back at me. So, I went to the front yard and got the good one. Only, when I stepped up onto the breezeway, I dropped the damned thing and the orb went rolling across my garage floor. Great. I fetched it, and determined to have at least one light glowing, I decided to superglue the orb back onto it's foundation. Shaky and more than a little peeved, I squirted enough glue on it to reattach the Statue of Liberty's head. Then I put it back on its little pedestal and held it so it could set. Well, set it did. And so did my hands. Poppy would have been howling with laughter! I don't know how I peeled them off the globe without either skinning myself or breaking the light, but I managed. And the light worked when I turned it on! I got out a can of acetone to clean my hands, and all I got for my struggle was a ruined manicure. I tried a brush, I tried something called Goo Gone and something called Goof Off, and by the time I had given up on getting the stuff off my hands, I was too tired and cranky to enjoy the light. I went to bed with superglue on both my hands. I still have two tiny patches on my left palm. (I never said I'm not crazy). Tonight will be different!
Midnight - And it was different. After the sun went down, my light glowed and changed colors like magic. I fell asleep before 10 and just woke from a dream about our Saint Simons house. It was a good dream.