Monday afternoon 08/31/09
Mama had an expression she used when things were off balance. For example, if I had my sweater buttoned wrong, she called it hee-honkatee. If she couldn't get organized or felt out of sorts, she said she was feeling hee-honkatee. That silly expression sums up my day. Nothing has gone wrong, unless you count the fact that Derek, my helper, didn't show up to do some things I can't do because of my back. (Which is all better). But I have felt off center, not quite cranky and not quite happy. My wonderful friend, Shirley Martin, who is following my blog, sent me a message that made me weep with gratitude for friends like her. Those were good tears, though, the healing kind. I suppose I have missed Clint more today than in the past few days when I was on drugs. My "I don' give a shit." attitude is almost gone. I feel more pain than yesterday. Not back pain, but "I miss Clint" pain, and it has been another of those days of showers of rain coming out of nowhere - tears, too.
Later..................Earlier, as I was starting this entry, Kristy came by to see me to find out if I needed help with anything, and when I saw her face, I almost to burst into tears. What is is about a loving face that sets off tears sometimes? I held back, though, willed those tears not to fall. God knows, she has her own grief with which to deal. Her strength amazes me. And at the same time it worries me. When is she doing her crying and screaming and cussing? Is she doing those things? God. Listen to me. I've known for many years that each of us is in charge of his own happiness. Why, while I am emotionally staggering around, trying to make some sense of what is happening to me, am I tempted to take on Kristy's problems? Don't I have enough of my own? Today has been hee-honkatee all the way around. I fell asleep early and woke not knowing where I was and feeling something is wrong. I don't know what, but I'm unsettled in a way I can't explain, anxious and almost afraid. I want Clint here with me. That's what it is. I want something I'll never have again. I know I'll never have him again but that doesn't keep me from wanting him. Nothing about this whole thing makes any sense.