A Letter to Clint

12/02/09:
Dear Poppy,
Marion Gibson died of lung cancer on Saturday. I took some cheese straws to the house on Sunday afternoon, and I was able to speak to Sonny and all of his children. About two weeks ago, I sent Sonny a facebook message suggesting that they not wait to get hospice care. Marion was in hospital and he was struggling with the “care” that his terminally ill wife was getting. When I didn’t hear from him, I thought he had taken offense. You know how he can be. Anyway, when I saw him on Sunday, he hugged me and thanked me, said he contacted hospice after my message and that he didn’t know what they would have done without them. I was hard being there, but I left with the sense that I had made a difference.
Last night, I went to visitation. I hate that word. It was too much for me. I believed in my heart that going was the right thing to do. It was the right thing for them, but not for me. I stayed a little while and drove home, crying the whole way.
Flo was there, and she got concerned when she saw me leaving. I was sitting on the deck with a drink and a cigarette when she called me from her car and said she was going to drop by to see me, check up on me because she was worried. She stayed until 10, and she comforted me. I was also able to comfort her. You don’t know, but she lost her youngest daughter, Elizabeth, to breast cancer. Help and comfort come from the most unexpected places. Flo and I have been friends for a very long time but not close in the last few years. Yet, there she was, an angel walking in my back door bringing a warm hug and a gentle and understanding ear. I am grateful.
Gretchen is mad at me because I called Shirley a bitch in one of my very first blog entries - I think it was about the fourth one. I don’t know how to handle this, and it makes me sad that she has been carrying around all this anger since August. What should I do? I tried to explain to her that this blog is a healing tool for me, and that to censor myself would defeat the purpose. I wonder if she understands that. Maybe she was upset because this is a public forum, and her friends can read it. Yesterday, I took it off facebook, so anyone who wants to continue to read it will have to go to the web site on their own. Maybe that will help. The more I think about it, the more I believe the public thing is what has her by the throat. I’ve invited her to lunch today to talk and see if we can get past this. Wish me luck.
I’m too tired and sad to have conflict in the family. Kristy and Gretchen and Robert are sad and tired, too. We are all so different, and maybe I haven’t been proactive enough in communicating to them that I respect their grief, no matter what it’s form. This thing is all so selfish. I has to be, and maybe I haven’t given them the support they need. I just don’t know.
I love you and I miss you and I need you, but I will be okay. One day.

Love,
Your Fat Girl