Not Today

11/04/09: 

Kay West, Deidra's mother, called to invite me to Thanksgiving at their farm. Poppy and I went nearly every year after we got to know them. But I can’t do it this year. The idea of it makes me cry and ache and heave with sorrow. I am still broken in so many ways. When the sorrow rolls over me like this, I wonder if I will ever be whole again. I can’t stop sobbing and missing him and wanting him back. I want him to see this glorious day and share it with me. I need him, his strength and encouragement and the way he loved me like no one ever has or ever will.

I know his love is here in my heart and soul but sorrow throws up roadblocks and I can’t to feel it. All I can feel is the emptiness. I know the day will come when I will feel his love every day and draw on it for the strength I so desperately need. I have some of those days now, and I try to treasure them, relish the feeling of joy they bring. But not today. I was doing well until Kay called, and that strange phenomenon overcame me, that sadness that happens when my wounds are raw again because someone wanted to do something nice for me. I’ll never understand that.