A Pretty Good Time

11/18/09:

“If only we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.”
                                                                                                                Edith Wharton

This quote from Edith Wharton always comes to mind when “The Holidays” are here. I’m skipping “The Holidays” this year. I’m going to take Edith’s advice and stop trying to be happy when I’m not. I don’t want to eat a huge Thanksgiving meal with a crowd of people, even the ones I love. I’m going to buy some orange juice and champagne and stay in my gown and prop up in bed and watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving parade, drink mimosas and maybe watch some movies. I hope the family will come for dessert late in the day - just dessert and wine or coffee and a little time together - "a pretty good time". Maybe I'll even get out the Christmas china.

I can’t make myself pretend that everything is okay. It’s not okay. My husband is dead, the love of my life is gone, and I want to be me, just me. I haven’t turned into a female Scrooge. I want my children and grandchildren and their children to celebrate and party and be excited and covered up with love and happiness. I love each of them dearly and seeing them will warm my weary heart. I love my family and friends, and I want them near but I can’t put up the Christmas tree and dress the house up all happy when it’s not. I may be able to put up a little tree on the coffee table with tiny handblown ornaments. The Children will expect something, after all.

It’s the trappings I can’t do. The very thought of decorating a tree makes me want to cry. But, I’m enjoying making cheese straws for everybody. It serves the dual purpose of keeping me busy and making them happy. I’ll love making dessert for them. Chocolate Mousse and Charlotte Rousse are family favorites. Clint’s favorite was always pecan pie - his mama's recipe. I have gifts for all the kids. I haven’t given up on “The Holidays” forever. I just can’t do it this year.