Sunday, June 13, 2010

I'm Okay

Monday 09/21: Last night, when I was getting my NH entries ready to post, I accidentally deleted one of the most important, and I think, some of the best writing I have done in a long time. I burst into tears, searched in vain for a way to retrieve the material. No luck. Still in tears, I walked inside and repeated, "I'm Okay" over and over again, sometimes at a whisper, sometimes at a shout. I was frightened, wanted to talk to someone but didn't think I could make sense if I called anyone, and I knew if I called one of my doctors, I would be put in the hospital. That is not something that I will ever do again. I'll just end up with a bunch of other fruit loops with nothing to do but "rest" and escape my responsibilities for a few days. If I need to change meds or just "rest," I can do that right here with the help of family and friends. I must have repeated the phrase "I'm Okay," dozens of times as I started straightening my room and putting things away, trying to clear off a place for the dogs and me to get into bed. This went on for about 15 minutes , and then I was quiet, I climbed into bed, still weeping, and decided to watch a little TV. It didn't work, so I got out my laptop and began rewriting. I finally got as much on paper as I could and quit. And I did feel some better. I have an appointment with Ann Carol today. Last night was the closest I have come to wanting to commit suicide. Only, I couldn't figure out how to do it without leaving a mess behind for someone else to deal with. Remember me? I'm the one who is too responsible to kill herself. I am willing to hire a sitter to do my errands and my housework. I am willing to stay home and heal right here, but I WON'T go to the hospital. I expect Ann Carol to jump on the phone with Sondralyn as soon as I tell her, but I will not go back to that place. We can work out something for me that doesn't involve the The Macadamia Plantation. I'm okay. Remember? I am stronger than this.

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