I ran from the pain all day, listening to a book and knitting until my eyes were strained. I waited for the family to come for dessert and thought I would feel better when everyone arrived, but it just got sadder. It was easier being without Clint while I was alone. I didn’t have to pretend things were “normal.” It’s nobody’s fault, but nothing is normal, and the house full of family just pointed up that reality. Nobody was at ease. I finally broke down and started crying when everyone had gone except Kristy and Jacob.
After they went home, I took took my glass of champagne outside and lit a cigarette and cried until the tears were gone - or so I thought. The trouble with tears is that there is an infinite supply of them. You never give out. Just when you think the last one has dried on your face and you have blown your nose until it is raw, they start falling again, making you shake and heave and throw your face into your hands and beg for mercy, relief from the sadness built up inside you while you were pretending to be okay. Fuck feeling okay. I’m miserable. I can’t help it, but I will get up in again tomorrow and start trying to outrun the pain.
I do have one star twinkling just for me tonight. Tomorrow, on their way to Atlanta, Polly is bringing the kids by to see me. They love me, seek out my affection, fawn over me, and I can’t get enough of it. There is a corner of my heart where Addie glimmers every day and night. My heart is warm with the thought of seeing her. Maybe the tears are over for now.